You know where you are bumped into situations where you can't make out
if someone really did change or did not. They told you verbally, "I've changed for the better"
or "I'm no longer like that anymore".
But when it comes to a real life situation, there isn't any much change.
Change is a big word, it is sad how people use that word so easily just to
overcome something which one, either hurt them or two, they are afraid of the truth.
Besides, change takes time and requires determination.

I, too, described myself as changed, mentally changed over the years which I put myself
away from everyone.
Why?
I feel those people I've met few years back are kind of the reasons why I am what I appear
as of today. They say words that do not meant anything now, and they do not
keep promises. They are no longer around where they are used to be.
We do not have a common space to even start communicating.
If you asked me if I do feel anything after losing a friend, well, fuck, of course I do,
I am human, I happen to be super emotional, but obviously I won't show my
weaknesses in front of anybody. I also have fear and whatnots.
I don't show emotions cause I don't believe I am someone capable of handling
such a case which would most probably drain me out emotionally.
I let the other party do what they think it's right. I did not even say my reasons
or anything. I allow them to assume all they like, create fairy tales of which are capable
to be in the next phase of alice in wonderland and then publish it all over.

I decide to pour out today cause it has been bottling me up for so many years,
and no, I do have more actually, this is basically a summary.
I just can't believe how things turned out this way.
I know I have to deal with it, yes, it's life, but I also believed it could have turned
out better than to live in this hypocritical low life I am living now.